Tides of lost thoughts
by Lyra Squirrel
Summary: Parcels of the abyss. Subaru talking.
1. Did you save up for this rainy day?

Tides of lost remembrance

One's cigarette lit by another one's lighter. You are wondering : "what does it mean?" But you are still doing it. And still, you haven't opened your mouth to speak. But your eyes have already sent enough. So you feel very... strange... because you know exactly what is going to happen without knowing what you are about to do. You are only sure of one thing : you needed to meet him again. What for? You don't know. Because even if you had an idea of what to do once in front of this person, it fades at the precise moment when your eyes meet his.

Clouds of smoke raise, every new wave blowing away the previous one. Little dying sparks as silver ashes fall. And this heart you tried so hard to freeze begins to melt... For you have met again this special person. The only one really ruling your heart, always sending the same message. So even though your eyes and thoughts are colder than a glacier, your heart is getting warmer and warmer. And is beginning to beat so fast you can hardly breathe.

It hurts. Deep within your chest, your mixed feelings are fighting and you can't do anything to stop it. When you look at the person in front of you, it's getting worse and worse. His eyes are hidden behind dark sunglasses, so you think you can avoid his glance full of meanings from a too painful past... but in fact nothing is enough to may let you forget your guilt. You keep your tears inside your heart, fearing his teases.

Far, far away from that moment, you'll have forgotten most of your past. But you'll remember his smile... even if it's the last thing you are able to call back from all your common memories. Because it had made you feel strange, happy or sad. Because it was a secret communication between both of you. A big part of his feelings slowly emerged from the subtle changes in that smile. You saw it as indifferent... or as an amused smirk most of the time.. But there were times where you could somehow see something else. A shy tenderness?

Maybe you took your dreams for the reality you had wished for... for so long. Whatever. You saw it. You trusted it then, and you still do trust that what you saw and took for the truth actually was what had to be seen and taken for the truth. Sigh... Eyh, what the hell! You loved him! And you need nobody to tell you what his own feelings were.

Or, to be true, the person who could have told you has died long ago. It was your sister, and she died by his hands. And it took you a long time to admit that your love for this man was so strong it couldn't be erased, even by such a tragedy.

You had wanted revenge. You had wanted to let your tears disappear, mixed with his own blood. But what you wanted the most was... himself. His look stuck on you, his full attention concentrated on yourself and no one else.

You wanted to be more, a lot more to him than a simple disturbance requiring no care...

Think about that. If you were to be loving a killer. While you are trying to help the Dead and the Living, with your poor useless powers. He is a killer and you don't know it. You just don't know...? Truth is : you just don't care. He kills people and you love him. He killed your beloved twin sister and you love him! He is the cherry tree tomb keeper, the most dreadful enemy of your family. And you love him. Wouldn't it drive you crazy?

Besides he pretended to love you. So nice. So gentle. So vicious. He lied. Oh did he? Really, whatever was in his mind when he said this "I love you", nobody will never know. Except you, as he thought you could understand. Maybe. Or maybe he thought you wouldn't understand and so that's why he finally said it. What a complicated person.

You wonder how far you can be from the truth, with all that thinking. But you can't say what you really have in mind because if you put your thoughts into words your heart will blow up with a painfully sad happiness.

You suddenly want to see his eye, but the mirror doesn't seem to agree. Because it's not his eye that is crying but both of yours. With all the reflected feelings emerging from this emerald-amber look. Your hand is shyly touching the soft coldness of your own face in the mirror. You want to break this mirror -you want to kiss this eye-. You turn back. You feel tired.


	2. It's all fun and games

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye...

When he muttered these words, softly in my ears... I felt the warm blow of his mouth against my skin. I was crying. I shivered. And I forgot to breathe. He was taking my soul. I think if he had kissed me once... I would have felt that kind of things. I think I have never kissed anyone... while I was awake. But I never felt such a feeling before. In my memory it's so intense it's almost frightening. I remember it as an invisible kiss.

I miss these moments spent together. But did we once truly speak one to the other? We were full of contradictions.

I used to love you. But before, I used to live, with you into my life, and so I was happy. I thought I needed nothing more than Hokuto and you by my side. Then I thought I couldn't live without Hokuto. Then I thought I couldn't live without your love. Then I thought I couldn't live without you. Now I don't think anymore. I just live, or survive, I'm not really sure. But I won't die.

I can't die. Not now that you're living through my existence. And whenever I happen to be forgetting, wishing for the compassionate non-consciousness given by death, a glimpse of amber catches my eye in the mirror. I suddenly stand still. I've drowned again into the shimmering fog of remembrance.

Do I regret? But what has to be regretted? You chose the way it ended, didn't you? Or maybe I did. Somewhere I made a mistake and the result is what happened on that bridge. It's complete nonsense to think about that, but I just can't keep my mind silent.

I remember Tokyo Tower, and all these moments I could have spent with you, missed because of my obsession for work. I sometimes helped a little, maybe, but most of the time I hurt the people I pretended to be helping. I should have stayed at home, instead of overestimating my onmyouji powers. I could have hurt less people... and I would have missed less of your dates.

When I was a child, a cherry tree attracted me. I couldn't put my eyes off its soft pinky-white blossoms. But the cherry tree keeper happened to be much more attractive. A smile, a look, and I had being caught by him. I thought I needed nothing, before. But after... I'm not sure when it became obvious, but I began to need your presence next to me. Just the thought of being able to see you again in the nearest future was enough. But it was a need.

It seemed normal. In the right order of things. You had become part of my life. A vital part. Just as Hokuto, I thought. But it appeared to be kind of different. I'm not sure how. I've tried to express it, tried to understand. But as Hokuto said once, I'm not very accurate when I've got to practice self-understanding.

I miss Hokuto... My sweet sister... she was always there, always loving... She helped me during every single moment of my work and life... She was so strong! I miss Hokuto in a way... how can I say... When I think about her, air gets off my lungs, the sun leaves the sky, there are no stars up and I'm lost in the night. My ears are full of her laughs while my eyes fill with tears. My heart beats for two, I seek her face in the mirror and I feel so miserable.

But for Seïshirô... It's not that I simply miss him. It's like a hole in my soul, there's nothing left except emptiness. When he was... alive... all the strength of my thought was wrapped around him, I could not make his presence leave my conscience. It hurt. I was tormented by that love I felt for him. Now I feel... empty. Even though I think I should feel better, appeased. It's not fair, Hokuto! I wish you were here. I would like to be able to imagine the words you'd be telling me right now, but I can't. I'd love to hear them. But I have to deal without it. Mh, I'm sure this is part of the reason why I'm feeling a bit lost.

Now that both of you are missing... Now that I have lost the two people I cherished the most...! I have nothing to do except diving into the tides of my lost thoughts and memories. Tides of delight and tides of tears.

Now that I'm sure I need you, you're dead. So what can I do? What can someone who has lost the only one he wished to die for do to live? It doesn't seem paradoxical. But it actually is. As I only lived to die by your hands.

Well, he died in my arms, telling me he loved me with the most incredibly intense expression on the face I had ever seen.

I'll never forget.


End file.
